One of the most popular programmes on UK television just now is Dragons' Den. Each week a series of fledgling inventors and entrepreneurs are given the chance to unveil embryonic products they've spent their lives (and life savings) developing and patenting, in the hope of persuading a panel of wealthy businessmen to invest in their dreams.
The ordeal is not for the faint-hearted, as their snarling inquisitors are expert at sniffing out and exposing the slightest commercial or design flaw. Occasionally, something will catch their eye, cheque books are produced, deals are struck, and before you know it, the supplicants' humble device is at a high street retailer near you.
But such triumphs are rare indeed. Usually the prototype inventions are dismissed with nothing more than a scornful warning to their creator not to give up his day job.
I'm thinking here of the Drivesafe glove which was supposed to be worn to remind its owner to drive on the correct side of the road. Or the SuperKneeS roller skates you attach to your kneecaps to help you go quickly from one kneeling job to another. Or my particular favourite, the Greet Me Eat Me - edible rawhide greetings cards for posting to friends' pet dogs on their birthdays.
I've always wondered what happened to the inventions that are rejected. Where on earth did these terrible devices end up once their creators were sent packing, trembling and humiliated, from the Den? Well, last weekend, I found out. They all end up at trade shows.
I should have suspected the day would end in tears when my wife told me she'd been given some free tickets to an event called "Home World 2011". According to the accompanying leaflet, it promised five separate arenas crammed with labour-saving devices "you simply can't do without". When I pointed out that whatever they were, we'd been managing quite happily without them for 26 years, my wife reminded me that as I rarely did any housework, I wasn't best qualified to judge.
The arena itself was a huge exhibition centre in East London. When we arrived mid-afternoon last Sunday the arena was already packed to the gunwales. And what things there were to see! Devices for peeling onions without tears, beds that doubled as bookshelves, fish tanks in the shape of famous landmarks of the world. I even spotted some edible greetings cards.
After three hours of trailing behind my spouse I still hadn't parted with a single cent. My mistake was to stop moving. I sat down briefly on a vacant chair to rest my feet, and before I knew it a salesman was demonstrating his special muscle oscillator on them.
Over the next few minutes he applied what appeared to be a giant vibrating hairbrush to virtually every part of my body that could be safely approached without fear of arrest. "Any aches or pains?" he asked as he did so. I admitted my knee was acting up. "I knew it" he continued knowingly. "I could tell by the way you were walking. You'd have needed an operation within five years. Lucky you found me. This will save you thousands in medical fees." High blood pressure, pallid skin, watery eyes… according to him I had them all. And when he finally announced the price for his oscillator - $1,400 (Dh5,138) - he was suddenly, if only for an instant, entirely correct.
Of course the one question I wanted to ask him - and it's the question I always want to ask salesmen who try and flog me their wretched products, whether on my doorstep at home or at such functions as these - is "if your product is so successful, why are you wearing such a cheap suit?" But I never have asked. Which is why I've never made the panel of Dragons' Den.
In the end I escaped from Home World 2011 pretty lightly, having purchased nothing more than a set of special $60 wireless headphones to be worn in bed while watching TV so that my wife might sleep.
We finally tried them this week. In reality the only signal the headphones picked up was not the sound-track to the movie on the TV screen, but instructions from my local minicab firm. Not very helpful.
When I dialed the mobile phone number on my receipt the next morning to ask the retailer for a refund, my call was answered by a carpet fitter in Watford who'd heard of neither the company nor their headphones. Still, my call wasn't entirely wasted. He's coming to fit our new lounge carpet next weekend. I wonder if he needs any SuperKneeS roller skates?
Michael Simkins is an actor and writer based in London
Match info
Uefa Champions League Group H
Manchester United v Young Boys, Tuesday, midnight (UAE)
A State of Passion
Directors: Carol Mansour and Muna Khalidi
Stars: Dr Ghassan Abu-Sittah
Rating: 4/5
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League final:
Who: Real Madrid v Liverpool
Where: NSC Olimpiyskiy Stadium, Kiev, Ukraine
When: Saturday, May 26, 10.45pm (UAE)
TV: Match on BeIN Sports
Tuesday's fixtures
Kyrgyzstan v Qatar, 5.45pm
List of officials:
Referees: Chris Broad, David Boon, Jeff Crowe, Andy Pycroft, Ranjan Madugalle and Richie Richardson.
Umpires: Aleem Dar, Kumara Dharmasena, Marais Erasmus, Chris Gaffaney, Ian Gould, Richard Illingworth, Richard Kettleborough, Nigel Llong, Bruce Oxenford, Ruchira Palliyaguruge, Sundaram Ravi, Paul Reiffel, Rod Tucker, Michael Gough, Joel Wilson and Paul Wilson.
The years Ramadan fell in May
Specs
Engine: Duel electric motors
Power: 659hp
Torque: 1075Nm
On sale: Available for pre-order now
Price: On request
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Skewed figures
In the village of Mevagissey in southwest England the housing stock has doubled in the last century while the number of residents is half the historic high. The village's Neighbourhood Development Plan states that 26% of homes are holiday retreats. Prices are high, averaging around £300,000, £50,000 more than the Cornish average of £250,000. The local average wage is £15,458.
In numbers: China in Dubai
The number of Chinese people living in Dubai: An estimated 200,000
Number of Chinese people in International City: Almost 50,000
Daily visitors to Dragon Mart in 2018/19: 120,000
Daily visitors to Dragon Mart in 2010: 20,000
Percentage increase in visitors in eight years: 500 per cent
The specs: 2018 Dodge Durango SRT
Price, base / as tested: Dh259,000
Engine: 6.4-litre V8
Power: 475hp @ 6,000rpm
Torque: 640Nm @ 4,300rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed automatic
Fuel consumption, combined: 7.7L / 100km
COMPANY PROFILE
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Total funding: Self funded
The specs: 2017 Dodge Ram 1500 Laramie Longhorn
Price, base / as tested: Dhxxx
Engine: 5.7L V8
Transmission: Eight-speed automatic
Power: 395hp @ 5,600rpm
Torque: 556Nm @ 3,950rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 12.7L / 100km
Cryopreservation: A timeline
- Keyhole surgery under general anaesthetic
- Ovarian tissue surgically removed
- Tissue processed in a high-tech facility
- Tissue re-implanted at a time of the patient’s choosing
- Full hormone production regained within 4-6 months
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Kumulus Water
Started: 2021
Founders: Iheb Triki and Mohamed Ali Abid
Based: Tunisia
Sector: Water technology
Number of staff: 22
Investment raised: $4 million
How to watch Ireland v Pakistan in UAE
When: The one-off Test starts on Friday, May 11
What time: Each day’s play is scheduled to start at 2pm UAE time.
TV: The match will be broadcast on OSN Sports Cricket HD. Subscribers to the channel can also stream the action live on OSN Play.
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The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
Trolls World Tour
Directed by: Walt Dohrn, David Smith
Starring: Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake
Rating: 4 stars
TOURNAMENT INFO
Women’s World Twenty20 Qualifier
Jul 3- 14, in the Netherlands
The top two teams will qualify to play at the World T20 in the West Indies in November
UAE squad
Humaira Tasneem (captain), Chamani Seneviratne, Subha Srinivasan, Neha Sharma, Kavisha Kumari, Judit Cleetus, Chaya Mughal, Roopa Nagraj, Heena Hotchandani, Namita D’Souza, Ishani Senevirathne, Esha Oza, Nisha Ali, Udeni Kuruppuarachchi