In The National's new series, writers explore ways in which they have pushed themselves, mentally, emotionally or physically, and reflect on what the experience has taught them
Finding comfort in fitness and routine was not on my bingo card for this year. Neither was signing up for my first run, or having my doctor tell me my blood work has produced the best results I have had in about a decade.
Growing up larger than other children in my school was hard. The bullying not only left me with low self-esteem and self-confidence, but also affected my academic performance. Many times, it was also the reason why few were friends with me; no one wanted to be seen with the “fat girl”.
My parents, to their credit, tried everything they could to get me to lose weight so that I could lead a better-quality life and reduce my chances of experiencing health issues as an adult.
I was signed up for several classes, tried fat-burning treatments at medical clinics, and had my food portioned out, alongside yo-yoing on several fad diets. But because my heart was never in it, I did not see any through. If anything, it made me hate exercising even more. Even though my parents had the right intentions, to my immature mind, it made me feel as if I was being told to change because I was not good enough the way I was.
As a morbidly obese adult with an emotional eating problem and no will to enter a gym, I did, sadly, develop some medical issues. Yet, by the time I was in my 30s, I made peace with my body, not letting people’s comments about my weight affect me as much.
However, after a few major changes in my personal life a few years ago, the thought of being in a position where I might have to go to hospital with no one to take me, jolted me into stepping outside of the comfort zone I had built for myself. It was time to make some serious changes.
How it's going so far
I was fortunate to find an amazing personal trainer (I made hiring a PT a financial priority over other things I might previously have spent money on), who not only pushed me to work hard, but also helped me plan portion-controlled meals, encouraged me to try harder and guided me on how to make fitness and nutrition a part of my lifestyle, rather than looking at it as a “diet”.
I was so committed to making a change this time that we resorted to working outdoors by a waterside promenade when my trainer was not allowed in my building gym. A few years ago, this would have never been an option. Fear of being seen, or even ridiculed, would have held me back. This time, I decided to put my goal first.
While I genuinely wanted to make the change, it was not easy. It involved copious amounts of sweat and tears – probably more of the latter – from being hungry at bedtime while my body adjusted to smaller portion sizes, as well as severe pain because my muscles had been stiff for decades.
But slowly and surely, things began to change. I stayed consistent with workouts, signing up for classes outside of personal training, including reformer Pilates.
I have become someone my former self would not have believed – ordering salads when dining out, asking friends to select restaurants where I can order healthy meals and even sneaking in time to hit my step goal for the day before I allow myself go for a night out.
It took time – about 18 months since I started this journey – but planning my meals, including those I prepare and eat outside, has become a part of my routine rather than feeling like something forced on me. My mind has opened to new fitness experiences – I participated in my first run a few days ago and have also signed up for challenging Lagree classes.
What I’ve learnt
I have a lost a little more than 30kg during this time – sans pills and injections – by simply being mindful of what I eat, working hard, trying to sleep well and making this a way of life.
It took time and effort to realise that health takes precedence over just mere appearance, and that while it may take time to adapt to a new, healthier lifestyle, it is not difficult to find time to exercise or eat better if there is the will to do it.
What I would do differently
While I believe the change came at a time when I truly needed it, if I had started even a few years earlier, I could have spared myself a great deal of the pain caused by the issues associated with my weight. Yet, with many failed starts before, I think I needed the scare to maintain my focus on what I genuinely wanted – comfortable or not.
I never did it for vanity; in fact, my doctor telling me my blood work is looking great feels like the bigger achievement. Yet, having been large my entire life, I still see my former fat self every time I look at myself and still feel that what I am doing is not enough – no matter how many times people praise the weight I have lost.
Maybe that is the next thing I need to address – being kinder to the woman I see in the mirror.
