We women want it all, and we believe we should have it. Why shouldn’t we? We fought hard to play a role outside our homes, to get an education, to work and earn and to have the choice to be a stay-at-home or a working mother (or, as in my case, both a stay-at-home and working mother). We want to keep awake all night for the sake of our babies but look fabulously Vogue-ready during daytime.
To help deluded mothers to face up to such superhuman expectations, they are advised to “be the best you” or “plan your outfits for the week ahead”.
But when we step back and read the kind of advice women are given, we can see how patronising the world we’ve built for ourselves continues to be. We want to be both the superheroes and martyrs of our own lives.
A recent parody Tumblr and Twitter feed called “Man Who Has it All” has tried to address this issue by subverting the stereotype of working mothers to show what it would be like if the role is switched with men.
Noteworthy tweets include: “My wife has really grown in confidence with the kids; she’s great with them now they’re older and I’m so lucky” and: “My wife says she doesn’t know how to iron, use a washing machine or cook. She says I have a gift for these things. I think she’s right!”
A blog titled Super busy dad has been tagged “me time”, the mantra that mothers often use to describe the few moments in the day they take to have a cup of tea or read books on parenting.
I admit that I have done it myself. I left the children with my husband so I could spend a full 20 minutes at the local coffee shop reading a book on parenting over a cup of cappuccino. I want to shake myself and ask whether I really did so.
My eyes were watering as I was laughing. But only outwardly. I was crying inside realising how we talk about motherhood. It was a sense of frustration and despair.
This week has also seen the launch of Ann Marie Slaughter’s book Unfinished Business. It’s a follow up on her own article titled Why women still can’t have it all.
An impressive woman in her own political right and formerly director of policy planning for Hillary Clinton, she gave up a job in Washington and created shock waves among feminist as she asserted that having it all is not achievable.
It’s a more serious take on the ideas expressed in the parody male blog. She says policy needs to change, particularly on paid maternity leave and childcare. That might free up hours and responsibilities, but it’s not just policy that needs changing.
The very way we talk about women’s roles and expectations – often the way women talk about it themselves – also needs to change. It is going to give me pause for thought as I write.
So I must resist the urge to tell you that I’m writing this article with a four-year old sat on my lap and a newborn stirring from her nap upstairs, and ask in a passively aggressive manner: “How ‘supermum’ am I?”
Instead, I will simply revel in this being part of the challenges and joys that all working parents face.
Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf and blogs at www. spirit21.co.uk