It has been said that a visit to Ikea is like a journey through Dante's nine circles of hell. I'd say that doesn't even come close.
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The problem lies not so much with Ikea, but with other people, and in particular, one's own family. Last weekend, I tookmy wife and children to the new Ikea on Yas Island. As Ikeas go, this is a pretty good one.
There is plenty of shaded parking, cheap food and lots of space to get lost in. This is clearly Ingvar Kamprad's genius, along with his invention of the flat pack system so you can carry your furniture home.
As you weave your way through the maze, finding and losing members of your family, who appear every so often shouting words such as "Tostvig" and "Ruttgar", it's hard to imagine that you are ever going to escape, and certainly not without spending a fortune on things you don't need or desire.
What makes it worse is that my wife is half-Swedish, so apart from a naked dip in a freezing fjord, she can't imagine anything more fun than Ikea.
When you finally escape, laden down with weird-looking lights, boxes of candles that smell like cheap aftershave, packets of salt liquorice, Dime bars and all manner of things that will need to be put together, you realise that it's never over until it's over.
In fact, it's never over, not even when you manage to put everything together and the children have stopped wailing because their "Billy" shelf fell over. It's never over because one day you know that your wife will say: "Shall we go to Ikea this weekend children?" and they will reply: "Ja, tack, jatte bra."
And I know that orange is the colour of the season, but Ikea's colours should be yellow and blue, the colours of the Swedish flag. So how come Ikea's yellow looks more like orange?
It's amazing though who you run into at Ikea. First I spotted a banker of my acquaintance, enjoying a rowdy lunch with his girlfriend (it wasn't him or his girlfriend making a racket, but the children around them.)
"Look at this," he told me, pointing at a tray laden with food and drinks, "all this for Dh52 [US$14]." I had no idea that things were so tight at the top these days. Nor, having glanced at his girlfriend, did I feel that she shared his enthusiasm for the platter. Sitting nearby was a management consultant.
A former army man, he had that glazed look that soldiers in Vietnam affect in photographs. "Don't worry," I told him. "One day this will end."
"It is ending for us, we're going back to London," he replied. I wished him well, told him that I would miss him, and asked the essential question: "How are you doing getting your children into school?" He replied rather smugly: "We have places."
It turned out that when he left London two years ago, he asked the headmaster how he could reserve places for his children. "No problem," replied the head. "You just keep paying."
So all the while my friend was educating his children in Abu Dhabi, he was also paying for a couple of places in London. And you thought getting into the British School was a headache.
One man who has probably never been in an Ikea in his life is Leonardo Frescobaldi, an Italian wine maker. He appears in this month's How to Spend It magazine, the luxury goods supplement published by the Financial Times.
Neo-Marxists, revolutionaries and anarchists everywhere must have thought that its days were numbered when the financial crisis hit in 2008, but the rag appears glossier and lusher than ever. Mr Frescobaldi is given a page devoted to all the objects and places that make his life worthwhile.
This includes his love of the artist Giorgio Vasari, on whom he comments: "I actually had the incredibly good fortune to find that there is a work by him in one of my homes. Since then I have dedicated myself to discovering him."
It turns out that Fitzgerald was right, and Hemingway was wrong: the rich really are different. Now in which of the many rooms of my many houses did I put that Matisse collage?
rwright@thenational.ae
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Almnssa
Started: August 2020
Founder: Areej Selmi
Based: Gaza
Sectors: Internet, e-commerce
Investments: Grants/private funding
Ziina users can donate to relief efforts in Beirut
Ziina users will be able to use the app to help relief efforts in Beirut, which has been left reeling after an August blast caused an estimated $15 billion in damage and left thousands homeless. Ziina has partnered with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees to raise money for the Lebanese capital, co-founder Faisal Toukan says. “As of October 1, the UNHCR has the first certified badge on Ziina and is automatically part of user's top friends' list during this campaign. Users can now donate any amount to the Beirut relief with two clicks. The money raised will go towards rebuilding houses for the families that were impacted by the explosion.”
COMPANY PROFILE
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Total funding: Self funded
Disposing of non-recycleable masks
Use your ‘black bag’ bin at home
Do not put them in a recycling bin
Take them home with you if there is no litter bin
- No need to bag the mask
Dubai Bling season three
Cast: Loujain Adada, Zeina Khoury, Farhana Bodi, Ebraheem Al Samadi, Mona Kattan, and couples Safa & Fahad Siddiqui and DJ Bliss & Danya Mohammed
Rating: 1/5
Results:
6.30pm: Al Maktoum Challenge Round-2 (PA) | Group 1 US$75,000 (Dirt) | 2,200 metres
Winner: Goshawke, Fernando Jara (jockey), Ali Rashid Al Raihe (trainer)
7.05pm: UAE 1000 Guineas (TB) | Listed $250,000 (D) | 1,600m
Winner: Silva, Oisin Murphy, Pia Brendt
7.40pm: Meydan Classic Trial (TB) | Conditions $100,000 (Turf) | 1,400m
Winner: Golden Jaguar, Connor Beasley, Ahmad bin Harmash
8.15pm: Al Shindagha Sprint (TB) | Group 3 $200,000 (D) | 1,200m
Winner: Drafted, Pat Dobbs, Doug Watson
8.50pm: Handicap (TB) | $175,000 (D) | 1,600m
Winner: Capezzano, Mickael Barzalona, Sandeep Jadhav
9.25pm: Handicap (TB) | $175,000 (T) | 2,000m
Winner: Oasis Charm, William Buick, Charlie Appleby
10pm: Handicap (TB) | $135,000 (T) | 1,600m
Winner: Escalator, Christopher Hayes, Charlie Fellowes
Paatal Lok season two
Directors: Avinash Arun, Prosit Roy
Stars: Jaideep Ahlawat, Ishwak Singh, Lc Sekhose, Merenla Imsong
Rating: 4.5/5
Generational responses to the pandemic
Devesh Mamtani from Century Financial believes the cash-hoarding tendency of each generation is influenced by what stage of the employment cycle they are in. He offers the following insights:
Baby boomers (those born before 1964): Owing to market uncertainty and the need to survive amid competition, many in this generation are looking for options to hoard more cash and increase their overall savings/investments towards risk-free assets.
Generation X (born between 1965 and 1980): Gen X is currently in its prime working years. With their personal and family finances taking a hit, Generation X is looking at multiple options, including taking out short-term loan facilities with competitive interest rates instead of dipping into their savings account.
Millennials (born between 1981 and 1996): This market situation is giving them a valuable lesson about investing early. Many millennials who had previously not saved or invested are looking to start doing so now.
How to protect yourself when air quality drops
Install an air filter in your home.
Close your windows and turn on the AC.
Shower or bath after being outside.
Wear a face mask.
Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.
If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.
The Sand Castle
Director: Matty Brown
Stars: Nadine Labaki, Ziad Bakri, Zain Al Rafeea, Riman Al Rafeea
Rating: 2.5/5
The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EAlmouneer%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202017%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dr%20Noha%20Khater%20and%20Rania%20Kadry%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EEgypt%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E120%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EBootstrapped%2C%20with%20support%20from%20Insead%20and%20Egyptian%20government%2C%20seed%20round%20of%20%3Cbr%3E%243.6%20million%20led%20by%20Global%20Ventures%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.
When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.
How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
The years Ramadan fell in May
WHAT IS A BLACK HOLE?
1. Black holes are objects whose gravity is so strong not even light can escape their pull
2. They can be created when massive stars collapse under their own weight
3. Large black holes can also be formed when smaller ones collide and merge
4. The biggest black holes lurk at the centre of many galaxies, including our own
5. Astronomers believe that when the universe was very young, black holes affected how galaxies formed
If you go...
Flying
There is no simple way to get to Punta Arenas from the UAE, with flights from Dubai and Abu Dhabi requiring at least two connections to reach this part of Patagonia. Flights start from about Dh6,250.
Touring
Chile Nativo offers the amended Los Dientes trek with expert guides and porters who are met in Puerto Williams on Isla Navarino. The trip starts and ends in Punta Arenas and lasts for six days in total. Prices start from Dh8,795.
How to get there
Emirates (www.emirates.com) flies directly to Hanoi, Vietnam, with fares starting from around Dh2,725 return, while Etihad (www.etihad.com) fares cost about Dh2,213 return with a stop. Chuong is 25 kilometres south of Hanoi.
The Two Popes
Director: Fernando Meirelles
Stars: Anthony Hopkins, Jonathan Pryce
Four out of five stars
Game Changer
Director: Shankar
Stars: Ram Charan, Kiara Advani, Anjali, S J Suryah, Jayaram
Rating: 2/5
Results
United States beat UAE by three wickets
United States beat Scotland by 35 runs
UAE v Scotland – no result
United States beat UAE by 98 runs
Scotland beat United States by four wickets
Fixtures
Sunday, 10am, ICC Academy, Dubai - UAE v Scotland
Admission is free