I have a confession to make and an apology to offer to the manager of what used to be, I think, the Odeon cinema in Harlow.
A post-war new town north of London in the county of Essex, Harlow was - and, perhaps, still is - known for two things: the college that hosted the courses run by the UK's National Council for the Training of Journalists, and a district called Matching Tye, to the sign for which we trainee hacks never tired of adding "and handkerchief".
Well, we had to make our own entertainment in those days. In order to feed my expensive marker-pen habit, I took an evening job at the local cinema, where I learnt two things: that even the best film (and certainly the worst) loses its sheen after multiple viewings - and, word for word, every foul line that poured from the mouth of the possessed Linda Blair in The Exorcist. In 1973, at least, I was a big hit at parties.
One of my many stimulating tasks in the world of movies was to climb the ladder at the end of a film's run, clutching the letters that would spell out the title of the feature that would play next and, on my last day on the job, before disappearing into the night with my final pay packet, I gave way to the inevitable temptation. Let's just say that The Day of the Jack Russell played badly in Harlow.
I have rarely been to the cinema since then - not so much for fear of assassination by sinister agents acting on behalf of Eurosceptic thriller writer Frederick Forsyth, but because I find nothing more irritating than watching a film in the company of a roomful of noisy, inconsiderate strangers. Nothing, that is, until I was tempted back to the big screen this week to watch Wall Street: Monkey Never Sleeps. Or maybe it was Money Never Sleeps. Frankly, it was hard to hear much of anything Michael Douglas or any of the rest of the cast said.
Don't get me wrong. No doubt Reel Entertainment's six-screen "premier boutique cinema" complex at Dubai's Marina Mall does offer a "differential lifestyle experience", as Emaar Retail claims, somewhat enigmatically, but what it doesn't offer is a suitable environment for watching films. With half the audience apparently unable to tell the time of day, wandering in in dribs and drabs up to 30 minutes after the start of the film, and the constant stream of uniformed servers scurrying back and forth delivering food and drink in rustling paper bags to grumbling and muttering punters, swaddled in blankets and slumped on pillows in the absurdly comfortable reclining chairs, this was more like feeding time at a home for confused old folk than a cinema.
Did I learn anything about buying and selling shares, as I had hoped? No. Suffice to say you would learn more about the mechanics of stock trading by reading this column than by watching this dull, cartoonish film that manages to make even Michael Douglas's hair appear uninteresting. What I did learn, however, from one of the tedious and formulaic publicity guest appearances made by one of the film's stars, Shia LaBeouf, is that corruption in the real world of share trading is as alive and well today as when Gordon Gekko first pronounced greed as good back in 1987.
Appearing on the ABC talk-show Jimmy Kimmel Live!, LaBeouf, sometime star of the Transformers films, told the host he had prepared for his part opposite Douglas as trader Jake Moore by training as a trader with a group of high-rolling Wall Street types. "If you're ever going to invest, and I've always kind of wanted to," he said, "this was the time to do it. So I put US$20,000 [Dh73,460] in and that $20,000 turned into $489,000."
Really? A gain of more than 2,200 per cent? This boy's wasted in movies. But it got better. "Four of the guys I was training with," he added, casually, "got arrested and are inside now for insider trading." Thank goodness that no-one at the US Securities and Exchange Commission watches the Jimmy Kimmel show, otherwise LaBeouf might have found himself getting some insider action of an entirely unwelcome sort (which would have been a nice twist for a film that begins with Gekko's release from an eight-year stretch for the same offence allegedly committed by his co-star's real-life mentors).
Incarceration for illegal profiteering is not, of course, a fate awaiting anyone who takes their tips from this columnist, who must now reveal that the value of his portfolio has slumped to a low point not seen since its fortunes were boosted in his absence during the summer by picks selected by a colleague's toy monkey. How proud I was when my original fictional stake of £15,000 (Dh87,620) grew past the £16,000 mark, and then upward and onward to more than £16,400. Ah, happy days. Now I am back down at barely over £16,000, thanks in part to my decision to wed one quarter of my fictional fortune to the fortunes of insurance giant Aviva - and, in another part, to my ability to count to seven.
If this is financial literacy week in Personal Finance, welcome to the refuge that is financial illiteracy corner. Bought at 424 pence each, my 936 Aviva shares are now down 8 per cent to 392p. Last week, I decided to make a major effort to use the tools at my disposal on the Share Centre trading platform and set an automatic stop-loss to prevent just such an occurrence. Brilliant, yes? Unfortunately, I set the stop-loss function to expire in six days, not seven and, naturally, it was on the seventh day that the price fell below my predetermined minimum.
In the cutthroat world of day trading, if you snooze you most definitely lose. Monkey may never sleep; sadly, I do.
jgornall@thenational.ae
If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.
When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.
How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
Company%20profile
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Business Insights
- Canada and Mexico are significant energy suppliers to the US, providing the majority of oil and natural gas imports
- The introduction of tariffs could hinder the US's clean energy initiatives by raising input costs for materials like nickel
- US domestic suppliers might benefit from higher prices, but overall oil consumption is expected to decrease due to elevated costs
ORDER OF PLAY ON SHOW COURTS
Centre Court - 4pm (UAE)
Gael Monfils (15) v Kyle Edmund
Karolina Pliskova (3) v Magdalena Rybarikova
Dusan Lajovic v Roger Federer (3)
Court 1 - 4pm
Adam Pavlasek v Novak Djokovic (2)
Dominic Thiem (8) v Gilles Simon
Angelique Kerber (1) v Kirsten Flipkens
Court 2 - 2.30pm
Grigor Dimitrov (13) v Marcos Baghdatis
Agnieszka Radwanska (9) v Christina McHale
Milos Raonic (6) v Mikhail Youzhny
Tsvetana Pironkova v Caroline Wozniacki (5)
The Sand Castle
Director: Matty Brown
Stars: Nadine Labaki, Ziad Bakri, Zain Al Rafeea, Riman Al Rafeea
Rating: 2.5/5
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
Five expert hiking tips
Always check the weather forecast before setting off
Make sure you have plenty of water
Set off early to avoid sudden weather changes in the afternoon
Wear appropriate clothing and footwear
Take your litter home with you
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
On racial profiling at airports
Squid Game season two
Director: Hwang Dong-hyuk
Stars: Lee Jung-jae, Wi Ha-joon and Lee Byung-hun
Rating: 4.5/5
Other acts on the Jazz Garden bill
Sharrie Williams
The American singer is hugely respected in blues circles due to her passionate vocals and songwriting. Born and raised in Michigan, Williams began recording and touring as a teenage gospel singer. Her career took off with the blues band The Wiseguys. Such was the acclaim of their live shows that they toured throughout Europe and in Africa. As a solo artist, Williams has also collaborated with the likes of the late Dizzy Gillespie, Van Morrison and Mavis Staples.
Lin Rountree
An accomplished smooth jazz artist who blends his chilled approach with R‘n’B. Trained at the Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, DC, Rountree formed his own band in 2004. He has also recorded with the likes of Kem, Dwele and Conya Doss. He comes to Dubai on the back of his new single Pass The Groove, from his forthcoming 2018 album Stronger Still, which may follow his five previous solo albums in cracking the top 10 of the US jazz charts.
Anita Williams
Dubai-based singer Anita Williams will open the night with a set of covers and swing, jazz and blues standards that made her an in-demand singer across the emirate. The Irish singer has been performing in Dubai since 2008 at venues such as MusicHall and Voda Bar. Her Jazz Garden appearance is career highlight as she will use the event to perform the original song Big Blue Eyes, the single from her debut solo album, due for release soon.
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
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Tips for taking the metro
- set out well ahead of time
- make sure you have at least Dh15 on you Nol card, as there could be big queues for top-up machines
- enter the right cabin. The train may be too busy to move between carriages once you're on
- don't carry too much luggage and tuck it under a seat to make room for fellow passengers
BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
Starring: Winona Ryder, Michael Keaton, Jenny Ortega
Director: Tim Burton
Rating: 3/5
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
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Read more from Mina Al-Oraibi
Tips on buying property during a pandemic
Islay Robinson, group chief executive of mortgage broker Enness Global, offers his advice on buying property in today's market.
While many have been quick to call a market collapse, this simply isn’t what we’re seeing on the ground. Many pockets of the global property market, including London and the UAE, continue to be compelling locations to invest in real estate.
While an air of uncertainty remains, the outlook is far better than anyone could have predicted. However, it is still important to consider the wider threat posed by Covid-19 when buying bricks and mortar.
Anything with outside space, gardens and private entrances is a must and these property features will see your investment keep its value should the pandemic drag on. In contrast, flats and particularly high-rise developments are falling in popularity and investors should avoid them at all costs.
Attractive investment property can be hard to find amid strong demand and heightened buyer activity. When you do find one, be prepared to move hard and fast to secure it. If you have your finances in order, this shouldn’t be an issue.
Lenders continue to lend and rates remain at an all-time low, so utilise this. There is no point in tying up cash when you can keep this liquidity to maximise other opportunities.
Keep your head and, as always when investing, take the long-term view. External factors such as coronavirus or Brexit will present challenges in the short-term, but the long-term outlook remains strong.
Finally, keep an eye on your currency. Whenever currency fluctuations favour foreign buyers, you can bet that demand will increase, as they act to secure what is essentially a discounted property.
COMPANY%20PROFILE
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EName%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EEjari%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ERiyadh%2C%20Saudi%20Arabia%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EYazeed%20Al%20Shamsi%2C%20Fahad%20Albedah%2C%20Mohammed%20Alkhelewy%20and%20Khalid%20Almunif%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ESector%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EPropTech%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETotal%20funding%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E%241%20million%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestors%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESanabil%20500%20Mena%2C%20Hambro%20Perks'%20Oryx%20Fund%20and%20angel%20investors%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20employees%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E8%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EAlmouneer%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202017%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dr%20Noha%20Khater%20and%20Rania%20Kadry%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EEgypt%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E120%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EBootstrapped%2C%20with%20support%20from%20Insead%20and%20Egyptian%20government%2C%20seed%20round%20of%20%3Cbr%3E%243.6%20million%20led%20by%20Global%20Ventures%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Ticket prices
- Golden circle - Dh995
- Floor Standing - Dh495
- Lower Bowl Platinum - Dh95
- Lower Bowl premium - Dh795
- Lower Bowl Plus - Dh695
- Lower Bowl Standard- Dh595
- Upper Bowl Premium - Dh395
- Upper Bowl standard - Dh295
'Brazen'
Director: Monika Mitchell
Starring: Alyssa Milano, Sam Page, Colleen Wheeler
Rating: 3/5
Nepotism is the name of the game
Salman Khan’s father, Salim Khan, is one of Bollywood’s most legendary screenwriters. Through his partnership with co-writer Javed Akhtar, Salim is credited with having paved the path for the Indian film industry’s blockbuster format in the 1970s. Something his son now rules the roost of. More importantly, the Salim-Javed duo also created the persona of the “angry young man” for Bollywood megastar Amitabh Bachchan in the 1970s, reflecting the angst of the average Indian. In choosing to be the ordinary man’s “hero” as opposed to a thespian in new Bollywood, Salman Khan remains tightly linked to his father’s oeuvre. Thanks dad.
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
The advice provided in our columns does not constitute legal advice and is provided for information only. Readers are encouraged to seek independent legal advice.
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Almnssa
Started: August 2020
Founder: Areej Selmi
Based: Gaza
Sectors: Internet, e-commerce
Investments: Grants/private funding
The five pillars of Islam