Back in 1984, George Orwell's Big Brother was watching us. He might have seen India's last appearance at an Asian Cup, in Singapore, an ill-fated expedition that saw them pick up one point from four matches.
Two decades earlier, when the Asian Cup finals were a four-team affair, India had finished runners-up to Israel, beating South Korea and Hong Kong.
But such was the speed of the subsequent decline that by the time the team got to Singapore, they were among the sides expected to make up the numbers.
The 1960s side had players like Jarnail Singh, the defensive rock, and Chuni Goswami, one of the trickiest forwards on the continent. There was also the powerful Inder Singh, who scored against both Korea and Hong Kong in that Asian Cup campaign.
A generation on, there were still players with skill, but the game had moved on, and India were found out both physically and tactically.
A 2-0 loss to Singapore, the hosts, set the tone. Against the UAE, they held firm until the final 10 minutes, when goals from Adnan Al Talyani and Fahad Khamees effectively ended their interest in the tournament.
The lone bright spot came against an Iranian team ravaged by the war with Iraq. They would go on to reach the semi-finals, but India parked the bus in front of goal and got away with a goalless draw.
Against China, who went on to lose to Saudi Arabia in the final, those tactics were futile.
Lin Lefeng's early goal forced India to play, and only Chinese profligacy in front of goal prevented a scoreline worse than 3-0.
Not really worthy of Big Brother's attention. What followed was even worse, two decades of utter mediocrity before the arrival of two Englishmen, Stephen Constantine and then Bob Houghton, lifted standards marginally.
A 9-1 loss to Kuwait last November offered a brutal wake-up call though, illustrating the paucity of talent in the ranks.
In a hard-hitting column, Jesse Fink, an Australian who is one of Asia's best football writers, said it best.
"India is a deer caught in the headlights of a Mack truck with "SOCROO" number plates bearing down on it," he wrote
"It's going to be carnage - whoever Holger Osieck [the Australian coach] picks. And if Scott McDonald can't score against them, then [Mark] Rudan is right: God help Australian football."
Like many others, Fink questions India's very place at the top level of Asian football.
They have not come close to qualifying legitimately in years. If not for the victory in the AFC Challenge Cup in 2008, against the might of Tajikistan, there would have been no back-door entry to the big party.
"India is not the biggest loser from this monumental mismatch," wrote Fink.
"It is the credibility of the Asian Cup itself and especially Asian Football Confederation chief Mohamed bin Hammam, who gave India a Golden Wonka ticket into the tournament by allowing it to bypass normal Asian qualifying and get in via winning the AFC Challenge Cup, Asia's second-tier national-team competition."
And it is not just Australia that India have to fear.
Their second game is against Bahrain, denied a World Cup place in South Africa last June only by New Zealand's Mighty Whites, who went on to have a sensational tournament.
They finish their campaign with a match against South Korea, Asia's most consistent side over the past three decades. Given what Park Ji-sung, the Korean talisman, has got the better of some of Europe's finest defences in Manchester United colours, it's not an appealing prospect.
Bin Hammam's intentions may have been good - it can only be beneficial for the game if the world's most populous region is represented at the Asian Cup - but it is not sops that Indian football needs. It is a root-and-branch transformation.
Watching school football in the 1980s was a pointer to the decline.
Players dribbled like Denilson into corners and blind alleys. There was no shape or structure, and hardly any thought of working as a team.
Few of the coaches are qualified enough to take charge of an Under 17 side in Europe, and the clubs in the I-League hardly invest in youth development, preferring to pay ridiculous salaries to hefty and limited players from Africa.
Bhaichung Bhutia, the one player nearly good enough for the Asian level to emerge in the last 15 years, has a hamstring injury, while Sunil Chhetri, whose much-hyped move to Major League Soccer's Kansas City Wizards has been a disaster, is just on the mend from an ankle problem.
Any way you look at it, India's Asian Cup is a car crash you can see from a mile off. I will consider it an achievement if they don't ship more than 10 goals in the three games.
sports@thenational.ae
Nepotism is the name of the game
Salman Khan’s father, Salim Khan, is one of Bollywood’s most legendary screenwriters. Through his partnership with co-writer Javed Akhtar, Salim is credited with having paved the path for the Indian film industry’s blockbuster format in the 1970s. Something his son now rules the roost of. More importantly, the Salim-Javed duo also created the persona of the “angry young man” for Bollywood megastar Amitabh Bachchan in the 1970s, reflecting the angst of the average Indian. In choosing to be the ordinary man’s “hero” as opposed to a thespian in new Bollywood, Salman Khan remains tightly linked to his father’s oeuvre. Thanks dad.
If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.
When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.
How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
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Haemoglobin disorders explained
Thalassaemia is part of a family of genetic conditions affecting the blood known as haemoglobin disorders.
Haemoglobin is a substance in the red blood cells that carries oxygen and a lack of it triggers anemia, leaving patients very weak, short of breath and pale.
The most severe type of the condition is typically inherited when both parents are carriers. Those patients often require regular blood transfusions - about 450 of the UAE's 2,000 thalassaemia patients - though frequent transfusions can lead to too much iron in the body and heart and liver problems.
The condition mainly affects people of Mediterranean, South Asian, South-East Asian and Middle Eastern origin. Saudi Arabia recorded 45,892 cases of carriers between 2004 and 2014.
A World Health Organisation study estimated that globally there are at least 950,000 'new carrier couples' every year and annually there are 1.33 million at-risk pregnancies.
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Nayanthara: Beyond The Fairy Tale
Starring: Nayanthara, Vignesh Shivan, Radhika Sarathkumar, Nagarjuna Akkineni
Director: Amith Krishnan
Rating: 3.5/5
The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
UAE v Gibraltar
What: International friendly
When: 7pm kick off
Where: Rugby Park, Dubai Sports City
Admission: Free
Online: The match will be broadcast live on Dubai Exiles’ Facebook page
UAE squad: Lucas Waddington (Dubai Exiles), Gio Fourie (Exiles), Craig Nutt (Abu Dhabi Harlequins), Phil Brady (Harlequins), Daniel Perry (Dubai Hurricanes), Esekaia Dranibota (Harlequins), Matt Mills (Exiles), Jaen Botes (Exiles), Kristian Stinson (Exiles), Murray Reason (Abu Dhabi Saracens), Dave Knight (Hurricanes), Ross Samson (Jebel Ali Dragons), DuRandt Gerber (Exiles), Saki Naisau (Dragons), Andrew Powell (Hurricanes), Emosi Vacanau (Harlequins), Niko Volavola (Dragons), Matt Richards (Dragons), Luke Stevenson (Harlequins), Josh Ives (Dubai Sports City Eagles), Sean Stevens (Saracens), Thinus Steyn (Exiles)
Batti Gul Meter Chalu
Producers: KRTI Productions, T-Series
Director: Sree Narayan Singh
Cast: Shahid Kapoor, Shraddha Kapoor, Divyenndu Sharma, Yami Gautam
Rating: 2/5
The specs
Engine: Dual 180kW and 300kW front and rear motors
Power: 480kW
Torque: 850Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh359,900 ($98,000)
On sale: Now
The specs: 2018 Chevrolet Trailblazer
Price, base / as tested Dh99,000 / Dh132,000
Engine 3.6L V6
Transmission: Six-speed automatic
Power 275hp @ 6,000rpm
Torque 350Nm @ 3,700rpm
Fuel economy combined 12.2L / 100km
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
Third Test
Result: India won by 203 runs
Series: England lead five-match series 2-1