Cricket has changed over the past five years. A new ICC headquarters in Dubai, a new World Twenty20 tournament, a new Indian Premier League. And England have managed to win the Ashes. Twice!
So while this bracing wind of change blows, might I suggest another small alteration? The Ashes series needs a new name and trophy.
Think about it. The Ashes urn is the physical manifestation of an old - but not particularly funny - joke. In 1882, England were beaten by a visiting Australia, prompting the Sporting Times newspaper to write a satirical obituary for English cricket. It included a line that "the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia". The following year, a group of Melbourne ladies joined in the hilarity by presenting a small ashes-filled urn to England captain Ivo Bligh.
Like I say, it was not the funniest gag. But this was 1883, remember, and television had not been invented. You had to make your own fun.
Fast forward 126 years and the joke is unsurprisingly stale. English cricket has died a thousand deaths since then, and the Motherland is regularly humiliated by her former colonies.
Besides, what good is a tiny urn in the world of trophies? Yes, the winning captain can kiss it (well, he can kiss a replica because the original is too fragile to be handled) but it is too small for the crowd to see. You cannot wear an urn, like you can wear a Green Jacket. You cannot swill champagne from an urn, or place its lid upon your head, like you can with the FA Cup. You cannot even use an urn as a cudgel with which to tackle a burglar, as one presumably can with the Fifa World Cup.
But more to the point, the Ashes urn represents a lost era in sport - a time when winners were magnanimous and losers were gracious. In modern cricket, losers do not amuse themselves with satirical obituaries. They carp and moan, as the Australians have done. Why did England use delaying tactics at Cardiff? Why did they not sort the drainage out at Edgbaston? Why did they scorch the wicket at the Oval?
And the victors? Well, if there is one thing worse than a moaning Australian, it is a boastful Englishman. We are as arrogant and boastful as the Aussies in victory, but we also show an utter lack of perspective.
Take the hysterical over-reaction when England won the Ashes in 2005. Grown men should not weep with joy, attend open-top bus celebrations or accept gongs from the Queen - the entire team were awarded the title of Member of the British Empire - simply because they have managed to win a two-horse race, held biennially, for the first time in 16 years. The mind boggles at what stately reward Strauss and co will get this time. Knighthoods all round, perhaps? Seats in the House of Lords? The Falkland Islands?
So, in a nutshell, I do not want Australia to win, because the Aussies are unbearable in victory. And I do not want England to win, because the English are even worse.
An old English term for such a dilemma - one in which both outcomes are equally unpalatable - is a "Morton's Fork". It dates back to a 15th century tax collector who could justify taxing almost anyone. Rich or poor, when John Morton was in town, you were going to get forked.
Such a dilemma could be the inspiration for the new Ashes name and trophy. To reflect a competition in which I dread either team winning, let us ditch the urn and look forward to 2011, when Australia and England do battle for a humble piece of cutlery - in the inaugural Fork Series.
German intelligence warnings
- 2002: "Hezbollah supporters feared becoming a target of security services because of the effects of [9/11] ... discussions on Hezbollah policy moved from mosques into smaller circles in private homes." Supporters in Germany: 800
- 2013: "Financial and logistical support from Germany for Hezbollah in Lebanon supports the armed struggle against Israel ... Hezbollah supporters in Germany hold back from actions that would gain publicity." Supporters in Germany: 950
- 2023: "It must be reckoned with that Hezbollah will continue to plan terrorist actions outside the Middle East against Israel or Israeli interests." Supporters in Germany: 1,250
Source: Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution
Game Changer
Director: Shankar
Stars: Ram Charan, Kiara Advani, Anjali, S J Suryah, Jayaram
Rating: 2/5
Stan%20Lee
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INDIA'S%20TOP%20INFLUENCERS
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COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
How to apply for a drone permit
- Individuals must register on UAE Drone app or website using their UAE Pass
- Add all their personal details, including name, nationality, passport number, Emiratis ID, email and phone number
- Upload the training certificate from a centre accredited by the GCAA
- Submit their request
What are the regulations?
- Fly it within visual line of sight
- Never over populated areas
- Ensure maximum flying height of 400 feet (122 metres) above ground level is not crossed
- Users must avoid flying over restricted areas listed on the UAE Drone app
- Only fly the drone during the day, and never at night
- Should have a live feed of the drone flight
- Drones must weigh 5 kg or less
Emergency
Director: Kangana Ranaut
Stars: Kangana Ranaut, Anupam Kher, Shreyas Talpade, Milind Soman, Mahima Chaudhry
Rating: 2/5
Red Joan
Director: Trevor Nunn
Starring: Judi Dench, Sophie Cookson, Tereza Srbova
Rating: 3/5 stars
The specs
Engine: four-litre V6 and 3.5-litre V6 twin-turbo
Transmission: six-speed and 10-speed
Power: 271 and 409 horsepower
Torque: 385 and 650Nm
Price: from Dh229,900 to Dh355,000
MATCH RESULT
Al Jazira 3 Persepolis 2
Jazira: Mabkhout (52'), Romarinho (77'), Al Hammadi (90' 6)
Persepolis: Alipour (42'), Mensha (84')
How to avoid crypto fraud
- Use unique usernames and passwords while enabling multi-factor authentication.
- Use an offline private key, a physical device that requires manual activation, whenever you access your wallet.
- Avoid suspicious social media ads promoting fraudulent schemes.
- Only invest in crypto projects that you fully understand.
- Critically assess whether a project’s promises or returns seem too good to be true.
- Only use reputable platforms that have a track record of strong regulatory compliance.
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COMPANY PROFILE
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Total funding: Self funded
COMPANY%20PROFILE
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The Sand Castle
Director: Matty Brown
Stars: Nadine Labaki, Ziad Bakri, Zain Al Rafeea, Riman Al Rafeea
Rating: 2.5/5
Company Profile
Founder: Omar Onsi
Launched: 2018
Employees: 35
Financing stage: Seed round ($12 million)
Investors: B&Y, Phoenician Funds, M1 Group, Shorooq Partners
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Almnssa
Started: August 2020
Founder: Areej Selmi
Based: Gaza
Sectors: Internet, e-commerce
Investments: Grants/private funding
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Tips for job-seekers
- Do not submit your application through the Easy Apply button on LinkedIn. Employers receive between 600 and 800 replies for each job advert on the platform. If you are the right fit for a job, connect to a relevant person in the company on LinkedIn and send them a direct message.
- Make sure you are an exact fit for the job advertised. If you are an HR manager with five years’ experience in retail and the job requires a similar candidate with five years’ experience in consumer, you should apply. But if you have no experience in HR, do not apply for the job.
David Mackenzie, founder of recruitment agency Mackenzie Jones Middle East
SPEC%20SHEET%3A%20SAMSUNG%20GALAXY%20Z%20FLIP5
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDisplay%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Main%20%E2%80%93%206.7%22%20FHD%2B%20Dynamic%20Amoled%202X%2C%202640%20x%201080%2C%2022%3A9%2C%20425ppi%2C%20HDR10%2B%2C%20up%20to%20120Hz%3B%20cover%20%E2%80%93%203%2F4%22%20Super%20Amoled%2C%20720%20x%20748%2C%20306ppi%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EProcessor%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Qualcomm%20Snapdragon%208%20Gen%202%2C%204nm%2C%20octa-core%3B%20Adreno%20740%20GPU%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EMemory%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%208GB%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECapacity%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20256%2F512GB%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EPlatform%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Android%2013%2C%20One%20UI%205.1.1%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EMain%20camera%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dual%2012MP%20ultra-wide%20(f%2F2.2)%20%2B%2012MP%20wide%20(f%2F1.8)%2C%20OIS%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EVideo%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%204K%4030%2F60fps%2C%20full-HD%4060%2F240fps%2C%20HD%40960fps%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EFront%20camera%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2010MP%20(f%2F2.2)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EBattery%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%203700mAh%2C%2025W%20fast%20charging%2C%2015W%20wireless%2C%204.5W%20reverse%20wireless%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EConnectivity%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%205G%3B%20Wi-Fi%2C%20Bluetooth%205.3%2C%20NFC%20(Samsung%20Pay)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EI%2FO%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20USB-C%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECards%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Nano-SIM%20%2B%20eSIM%3B%20no%20microSD%20slot%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EColours%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Cream%2C%20graphite%2C%20lavender%2C%20mint%3B%20Samsung.com%20exclusives%20%E2%80%93%20blue%2C%20grey%2C%20green%2C%20yellow%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EIn%20the%20box%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Flip%204%2C%20USB-C-to-USB-C%20cable%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EPrice%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dh3%2C899%20%2F%20Dh4%2C349%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The bio:
Favourite film:
Declan: It was The Commitments but now it’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
Heidi: The Long Kiss Goodnight.
Favourite holiday destination:
Declan: Las Vegas but I also love getting home to Ireland and seeing everyone back home.
Heidi: Australia but my dream destination would be to go to Cuba.
Favourite pastime:
Declan: I love brunching and socializing. Just basically having the craic.
Heidi: Paddleboarding and swimming.
Personal motto:
Declan: Take chances.
Heidi: Live, love, laugh and have no regrets.
If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.
When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.
How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
Tips for taking the metro
- set out well ahead of time
- make sure you have at least Dh15 on you Nol card, as there could be big queues for top-up machines
- enter the right cabin. The train may be too busy to move between carriages once you're on
- don't carry too much luggage and tuck it under a seat to make room for fellow passengers
The specs
Engine: 3-litre twin-turbo V6
Power: 400hp
Torque: 475Nm
Transmission: 9-speed automatic
Price: From Dh215,900
On sale: Now