No triumphalism please, we're British



There is an old joke about a rich English aristocrat who rings for his butler and, when the old retainer comes in, he says: "Do me a favour, Smithers, jump about and whoop a little, will you, I've just won the lottery." I think of this joke every time Britain is faced with celebrating a sporting success. Triumphalism does not come easily to us, and with Lewis Hamilton on the verge of winning the Formula One drivers' championship, and Andy Murray having won five titles this season, we really do not know what to do now for the best. Oh, the worry of it. I mean, the last thing we want to do is behave like Americans.

It is not a problem we have been faced with too often, but I always feel that if we do have some sporting achievements to mark, maybe we should hire some Americans or Australians to celebrate for us. There was, of course, a great outpouring of national pride when we won the Ashes thrillingly against Australia in 2005, and our cricketers celebrated in a very British way - by getting drunk and failing to win another match. Our British Olympians and Paralympians, meanwhile, had their own more sober victory parade through London recently, delayed until two months after the event so that the public had more or less forgotten what it was all about.

Now we have just less than four years, I suppose, to learn how to whoop and holler before we welcome the rest of the world to London for the 2012 Olympics. Even before the announcement from the London Organising Committee that some of the sponsorship money had disappeared in the global financial meltdown, this was always going to be a problem. But wait: Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, says, forget Beijing, we will welcome the world to London "in our own sweet way". I interpret this as meaning "in our own cheap way", and, fortunately, I am able to help with a low-cost method of announcing pride in our Britishness to the world.

We need a catchy motto to start with. I suggest: "Mustn't Grumble." I suspect this is one of the UK's most used phrases. High taxes, grey clouds, clogged roads, disappointing summers? Mustn't grumble. As Boris is so keen on the London bus motif, why not open the games by focusing on a small huddle of people in the centre of the Olympic stadium - assuming it has been built - waiting for the arrival of a big red bus carrying British sporting icons like David Beckham, Lewis Hamilton, and World Cup Willie.

But - here's the twist - the bus does not arrive. (Hoorah, we are saving money already.) The queue looks nonplussed, but shoulders are shrugged, and the people break into a chorus of a catchy new song called "Mustn't Grumble", knocked up by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber especially for the occasion. They are joined in the possibly still-being-built arena - construction workers will wear colourful hard hats so they look like part of the ceremony - by giant sofas wheeled into the stadium on which fat chaps in replica football shirts are slumped watching TV screens, and 'phoning out for pizza. I am reliably informed that if the obesity crisis continues at its current rate, by 2012 we will be able to save money on expensive fat suits.

The whole production climaxes with the crowd waddling off their sofas, assembling in the centre of the arena, and shouting at the crowd: "Who are you looking at?" I am joking of course. I am the child of immigrants, and love Britain for its unique capacity to keep a sense of proportion. This is not easy to encapsulate in an opening ceremony, but if the Organising Committee are short of ideas, they know where to find me.

mkelner@yahoo.co.uk

Company%20Profile
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Major honours

ARSENAL

  • FA Cup - 2005

BARCELONA

  • La Liga - 2013
  • Copa del Rey - 2012
  • Fifa Club World Cup - 2011

CHELSEA

  • Premier League - 2015, 2017
  • FA Cup - 2018
  • League Cup - 2015

SPAIN

  • World Cup - 2010
  • European Championship - 2008, 2012
MATCH INFO

Uefa Champions League, last-16, second leg (first-leg scores in brackets):

PSG (2) v Manchester United (0)

Midnight (Thursday), BeIN Sports

'The Batman'

Stars:Robert Pattinson

Director:Matt Reeves

Rating: 5/5

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COMPANY%20PROFILE
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A Cat, A Man, and Two Women
Junichiro
Tamizaki
Translated by Paul McCarthy
Daunt Books 

UAE SQUAD

Ahmed Raza (Captain), Rohan Mustafa, Jonathan Figy, CP Rizwan, Junaid Siddique, Mohammad Usman, Basil Hameed, Zawar Farid, Vriitya Aravind (WK), Waheed Ahmed, Karthik Meiyappan, Zahoor Khan, Darius D'Silva, Chirag Suri

COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
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RESULTS
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Teams

Punjabi Legends Owners: Inzamam-ul-Haq and Intizar-ul-Haq; Key player: Misbah-ul-Haq

Pakhtoons Owners: Habib Khan and Tajuddin Khan; Key player: Shahid Afridi

Maratha Arabians Owners: Sohail Khan, Ali Tumbi, Parvez Khan; Key player: Virender Sehwag

Bangla Tigers Owners: Shirajuddin Alam, Yasin Choudhary, Neelesh Bhatnager, Anis and Rizwan Sajan; Key player: TBC

Colombo Lions Owners: Sri Lanka Cricket; Key player: TBC

Kerala Kings Owners: Hussain Adam Ali and Shafi Ul Mulk; Key player: Eoin Morgan

Venue Sharjah Cricket Stadium

Format 10 overs per side, matches last for 90 minutes

Timeline October 25: Around 120 players to be entered into a draft, to be held in Dubai; December 21: Matches start; December 24: Finals

Dubai Women's Tour teams

Agolico BMC
Andy Schleck Cycles-Immo Losch
Aromitalia Basso Bikes Vaiano
Cogeas Mettler Look
Doltcini-Van Eyck Sport
Hitec Products – Birk Sport 
Kazakhstan National Team
Kuwait Cycling Team
Macogep Tornatech Girondins de Bordeaux
Minsk Cycling Club 
Pannonia Regional Team (Fehérvár)
Team Auvergne-Rhône-Alpes
Team Ciclotel
UAE Women’s Team
Under 23 Kazakhstan Team
Wheel Divas Cycling Team

ABU DHABI CARD

5pm: UAE Martyrs Cup (TB) Conditions; Dh90,000; 2,200m
5.30pm: Wathba Stallions Cup (PA) Handicap; Dh70,000; 1,400m​​​​​​​
6pm: UAE Matyrs Trophy (PA) Maiden; Dh80,000; 1,600m​​​​​​​
6.30pm: Sheikha Fatima bint Mubarak (IFAHR) Apprentice Championship (PA) Prestige; Dh100,000; 1,600m​​​​​​​
7pm: Sheikha Fatima bint Mubarak (IFAHR) Ladies World Championship (PA) Prestige; Dh125,000; 1,600m​​​​​​​
8pm: Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan Jewel Crown (PA) Group 1; Dh5,000,000; 1,600m

Don't get fined

The UAE FTA requires following to be kept:

  • Records of all supplies and imports of goods and services
  • All tax invoices and tax credit notes
  • Alternative documents related to receiving goods or services
  • All tax invoices and tax credit notes
  • Alternative documents issued
  • Records of goods and services that have been disposed of or used for matters not related to business

Tori Amos
Native Invader
Decca

UAE squad

Ali Kashief, Salem Rashid, Khalifa Al Hammadi, Khalfan Mubarak, Ali Mabkhout, Omar Abdelrahman, Mohammed Al Attas (Al Jazira), Mohmmed Al Shamsi, Hamdan Al Kamali, Mohammad Barghash, Khalil Al Hammadi (Al Wahda), Khalid Eisa, Mohammed Shakir, Ahmed Barman, Bandar Al Ahbabi (Al Ain), Adel Al Hosani, Al Hassan Saleh, Majid Suroor (Sharjah), Waleed Abbas, Ismail Al Hammadi, Ahmed Khalil (Shabab Al Ahli Dubai) Habib Fardan, Tariq Ahmed, Mohammed Al Akbari (Al Nasr), Ali Saleh, Ali Salmeen (Al Wasl), Hassan Al Mahrami (Baniyas)

Match info

Manchester United 4
(Pogba 5', 33', Rashford 45', Lukaku 72')

Bournemouth 1
(Ake 45 2')

Red card: Eric Bailly (Manchester United)

ARM%20IPO%20DETAILS
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Graduated from the American University of Sharjah

She is the eldest of three brothers and two sisters

Has helped solve 15 cases of electric shocks

Enjoys travelling, reading and horse riding

 

Afghanistan squad

Gulbadin Naib (captain), Mohammad Shahzad (wicketkeeper), Noor Ali Zadran, Hazratullah Zazai, Rahmat Shah, Asghar Afghan, Hashmatullah Shahidi, Najibullah Zadran, Samiullah Shinwari, Mohammad Nabi, Rashid Khan, Dawlat Zadran, Aftab Alam, Hamid Hassan, Mujeeb Ur Rahman.

MEDIEVIL%20(1998)
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The Perfect Couple

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Liev Schreiber, Jack Reynor

Creator: Jenna Lamia

Rating: 3/5

COMPANY%20PROFILE
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MATCH INFO

Qalandars 112-4 (10 ovs)

Banton 53 no

Northern Warriors 46 all out (9 ovs)

Kumara 3-10, Garton 3-10, Jordan 2-2, Prasanna 2-7

Qalandars win by six wickets

A Dog's Journey 

Directed by: Gail Mancuso

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Josh Gad, Marg Helgenberger, Betty Gilpin, Kathryn Prescott

3 out of 5 stars

Fitness problems in men's tennis

Andy Murray - hip

Novak Djokovic - elbow

Roger Federer - back

Stan Wawrinka - knee

Kei Nishikori - wrist

Marin Cilic - adductor

Confirmed%20bouts%20(more%20to%20be%20added)
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Huroob Ezterari

Director: Ahmed Moussa

Starring: Ahmed El Sakka, Amir Karara, Ghada Adel and Moustafa Mohammed

Three stars

Day 2, Abu Dhabi Test: At a glance

Moment of the day Dinesh Chandimal has inherited a challenging job, after being made Sri Lanka’s Test captain. He responded in perfect fashion, with an easy-natured century against Pakistan. He brought up three figures with a majestic cover drive, which he just stood and admired.

Stat of the day – 33 It took 33 balls for Dilruwan Perera to get off the mark. His time on zero was eventful enough. The Sri Lankan No 7 was given out LBW twice, but managed to have both decisions overturned on review. The TV replays showed both times that he had inside edged the ball onto his pad.

The verdict In the two previous times these two sides have met in Abu Dhabi, the Tests have been drawn. The docile nature of proceedings so far makes that the likely outcome again this time, but both sides will be harbouring thoughts that they can force their way into a winning position.

How to protect yourself when air quality drops

Install an air filter in your home.

Close your windows and turn on the AC.

Shower or bath after being outside.

Wear a face mask.

Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.

If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.

Greatest of All Time
Starring: Vijay, Sneha, Prashanth, Prabhu Deva, Mohan
Director: Venkat Prabhu
Rating: 2/5
AUSTRALIA SQUAD v SOUTH AFRICA

Aaron Finch (capt), Shaun Marsh, Travis Head, Chris Lynn, Glenn Maxwell, D'Arcy Short, Marcus Stoinis, Alex Carey, Ashton Agar, Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood, Pat Cummins, Nathan Coulter-Nile, Adam Zampa

Company%20Profile
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BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

Starring: Winona Ryder, Michael Keaton, Jenny Ortega

Director: Tim Burton

Rating: 3/5

Managing the separation process

  • Choose your nursery carefully in the first place
  • Relax – and hopefully your child will follow suit
  • Inform the staff in advance of your child’s likes and dislikes.
  • If you need some extra time to talk to the teachers, make an appointment a few days in advance, rather than attempting to chat on your child’s first day
  • The longer you stay, the more upset your child will become. As difficult as it is, walk away. Say a proper goodbye and reassure your child that you will be back
  • Be patient. Your child might love it one day and hate it the next
  • Stick at it. Don’t give up after the first day or week. It takes time for children to settle into a new routine.And, finally, don’t feel guilty.  
25%20Days%20to%20Aden
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UPI facts

More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions

The specs: 2017 Maserati Quattroporte

Price, base / as tested Dh389,000 / Dh559,000

Engine 3.0L twin-turbo V8

Transmission Eight-speed automatic

Power 530hp @ 6,800rpm

Torque 650Nm @ 2,000 rpm

Fuel economy, combined 10.7L / 100km

Company%20profile
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Keep up with all the Middle East and North Africa athletes at the 2024 Paris Olympics

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