Inside the psychology behind childhood imaginary friends as IF and Eric hit screens

Imaginary friends have spent some time in the spotlight this year. In the film IF, featuring Ryan Reynolds and John Krasinski, a young girl’s trauma prompts to see everybody’s imaginary friends. In Netflix series Eric, Benedict Cumberbatch plays a grieving father searching for his lost son, who is joined on the hunt by an imaginary friend.

In the media, as in real life, past attitudes to imaginary entities lead to mixed reactions, largely erring on the side of worry and concern.

“For most of the 20th century, the prevailing attitude was that imaginary playmates were a sign of insecurity and latent neurosis, so people may have been less inclined to admit to such flights of fancy,” Nikki Sheehan author of Who Framed Klaris Cliff?, a young adult novel about imaginary friends, told The Guardian.

Modern attitudes have moved on to embrace the imaginary friend as an example of childhood imagination at its most unfettered.

“Having an imaginary friend is a very natural feature of childhood and, in fact, does not necessarily suggest any worrying concern,” says Dr Marina Hakimian, a psychologist at Thrive Wellbeing Centre. “Most young children create an imaginary friend or friends that do not even have to be a human person; it could be a person, a toy, or any comforting and entertaining item. While growing up, children develop their ability to be creative and their sense of imagination could be at its peak.”

Safe form of expression

An imaginary friend is today viewed as an extension of a child’s rich internal life and imagination. Research in the 1999 study Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them suggests most children usually remain well aware their friend is not real.

“Having an imaginary friend, sometimes called an imaginary companion or IC, is considered a normal part of child development,” says Dr Jayde Sayers, a clinical psychologist at The Free Spirit Collective. “A child may develop an IC to use as a safe way to express their creativity, explore new ideas, practise social skills, understand and cope with emotions, alleviate loneliness, enhance their play and increase language skills.”

Imaginary or pretend play forms a huge and vital part of childhood, from the box that becomes a train they are driving to the faux food served up from a toy kitchen.

Children develop cognitive flexibility and creativity through pretend play, of which Dr Hakimian says: “Children can demonstrate learned social skills; they can process their feelings, vent out, problem-solve, role-play, manage emotions and seek avenues for having difficult conversations.”

Why do children create imaginary friends?

“Children might invent imaginary friends for various reasons, and it's not always indicative of trauma or underlying issues,” says Bushra Khan, an emotional well-being coach at Wellth. “In many cases, it's a normal part of creative play and cognitive development. Imaginary friends can help children navigate complex emotions, practise social interactions, and cope with changes or stress. For children who are shy or lonely, imaginary friends can provide companionship and support.”

Control is another reason children may conjure up an entity. With childhood so often dictated by the rules of others – parents teachers, carers – an imaginary friend is something the child can create and direct wholly by themselves during pretend play and conversations.

“By having such friends, children find a companion who listens to them, plays with them or does things they can't do themselves,” says Dr Hakimian. “A child may feel special because they do own an imaginary friend and can approach them whenever they require. In addition to this, an imaginary friend accepts the child the way they are and does not judge or criticise them, so they feel accepted and safe.”

How should parents react?

Far from ignoring the imaginary friend, parents are encouraged to treat them as they would their child’s real friends. Disregarding or denying the imaginary companion will rarely lead the child to forgetting their friend, but rather make them less likely to discuss them.

“Parents should respond to their child’s imaginary companion in a supportive and understanding manner,” says Sayers. “It’s important to acknowledge and accept that ICs are a normal part of childhood development. Parents can play along with the IC, for example, or set an extra place at the table and ask about the IC’s ‘day’.”

She adds: “Whilst it’s positive to play along with the IC, it’s also good to set boundaries and monitor your child’s behaviour. If the child tries to blame the IC for their own misbehaviour or if the IC starts causing distress it’s important to notice, talk to your child and perhaps consult with a professional.”

Impact on real friends and other warning signs

Like anything in a child’s life, the imaginary friend should add to their joy and interests rather than take them away.

“Typically, imaginary friends do not prevent children from forming real-life friendships,” says Khan. “Most children understand the difference between real and imaginary friends and can balance both. However, if a child prefers their imaginary friend to the point of avoiding real peers, it could indicate underlying social anxiety or difficulties that might need addressing.”

Imaginary friends can often act as a rehearsal for real-life friendships, allowing children to practise socialising skills that will be useful at home, school and other situations. They can also serve as a way for children to process and work through things that happen with their real-life friends.

“If imaginary friends take away family time and impact learning, sleeping and socialising, then it is a concern,” says Hakimian. “If you notice repetitive conversations about traumatic events or inflicting aggression and harm on the imaginary friend, it is also a concern. If the child blames the imaginary friends and is hurtful towards them, exhibits anxiety around real children or are afraid of the imaginary friend, it is worth investigating. Finally, when children reach the age of 12 and beyond, it is unusual to see them having imaginary friends.”